Why Are They Still Friends?

Your girlfriend’s exes won’t go away

What ever possessed you to say you’re cool with it?

It seems like every time you turn around, another one of her exes is joining you for coffee, showing up at a barbeque or just calling the apartment for ‘a woman’s opinion’. At first it seemed like no big deal, but now it’s sticking in your craw like fifty-cent wing night. This is not good for the relationship or your blood pressure. You have to do something about it. But you don’t want to come off like a jealous prick. You are an enlightened 21st century guy, aren’t you?

Here are a few methods to try:

Talk to your girl

Tell your girlfriend that it bothers you when Mr. Ex calls past 10pm to talk for an hour about how things are going with his current girlfriend. Chances are she will get defensive and fight for her right to be friends with whomever she pleases. This is completely understandable, as you don’t want to be told what to do either. She lets you stay out as late as you want with the guys, no questions asked, so why can’t you give her this? Good question.

Get over yourself

Easier said than done. We all feel jealous now and then and it stings, but try to remind yourself that she’s with you now, and whatever these guys offer as friends is nothing compared to the intimacy you share together. This is of course another reason for the ‘c’ word – communication – because short of holding a glass up to the wall to listen in on her conversations, you have no way of knowing what their history was or what their current situation is. So get past your ego and just ask.

Admit you are insecure

Confessing your insecurities is the quickest way to a resolution regarding anything to do with jealousy. That big green-eyed monster takes root where there’s no transparency and the imagination can run wild, but by the same token, it withers in the light of the truth. Once she knows that you’re acting possessive and controlling because you’re scared of losing her, it will seem endearing and even chivalrous. But without the honesty, you’re just a jealous asshole.

Get the Details

Drop the pretense that you “don’t care” about her past relationships. You care! Maybe you don’t want a blow-by-blow of their sexual escapades, but if her exes are keeping you up at night, there’s some basic information you should ask for. Namely, how long were they together? How did it end? That way when you find out they briefly dated in college but discovered there was no chemistry, you’re not still torturing yourself with thoughts of their everlasting passion coming between her and you at any moment. Save yourself the drama by finding out the plot.

Once this conversation is out in the open, you need to move on. Don’t dwell on this stuff. If you still don’t trust your girlfriend, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.