Conversation Starters

As crazy as it seems, sometimes your life partner is the one person that you don’t have anything to say to. This doesn’t mean you don’t want to talk or engage, but it feels like you already know everything there is to know about this person, and there’s no mystery left. So why bother talking at all?

The answer to this question is that there’s always something new to learn about your spouse or long-term partner. You wouldn’t have married them if they were so completely lacking in mystery! But interesting topics of conversation don’t always come to you when you’re sitting on the couch, bored by the television.

What the heck did we used to talk about?

I have a friend who confessed to me recently that she doesn’t have anything to say to her husband anymore. “Not in a bad way,” she said. Hmm, I thought. Not in a bad way? It seems to me that not having anything to say to your husband is a huge red flag that you need to reconnect. But giving it some more thought, I see what she means. It’s not that their lack of communication is necessarily an indicator that something is wrong in the relationship, but it could be an indicator that something might go wrong in the future. If you feel disconnected from someone, it makes it easier to ignore their feelings and engage in destructive behavior like cheating, for example.

What to do about it?

The trick to reconnecting with conversation is to get inside your lover’s head from a whole new angle. It’s time to move past the immediate topics like what your weekend plans are or what you’re having for dinner, or who’s supposed to pick up the kids. Broaden the horizons of conversation and go a little deeper. Here are five topics that will push you in the right direction:

What drew us together?

Ask your husband what was going through his mind when you first met, or had your first date. Or ask your wife what she said about you to her friends before you started getting serious. This topic can end up in a wildly romantic conversation that leaves you both giggly.

Fantasies

I’m not talking about sexual fantasies – although they have their place. Talk about your hopes and dreams in life. For example, let him know that you’ve always wanted to go to Spain. He might match your enthusiasm and want to plan a trip together. Or he might tell you he’s always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, or surf, or horseback ride. If you haven’t checked in with each other’s dreams in a while, they may have shifted and changed over the years.

The Fun Things in Life

Ask your wife about her hobbies. Maybe you haven’t the slightest interest in knitting, or swimming, or hip-hop dance classes, but you’re guaranteed to get her excitement levels up, which will make you feel good too. And listening to her be passionate may be just what you need to gain that newfound feeling of intimacy.

Offer Help

This is an especially good topic for couples with kids, or other dependents that make life extra stressful and complicated. We get so involved in our own worlds, caught up in the tasks that life throws at us, that we forget our partner is also going through stress. It’s important to recognize your partner’s life pressures, and offer to help. For example, ask your husband what help he needs around the house. Is he stressing about painting the garage and wishing he could hire someone? Now’s your chance to reach out, get some truth, and ease each other’s burdens.

Contemplate Big Life Changes

I’ve had a few couples tell me that they’ve never been more excited about each other than when they’re discussing big plans for their lives. Whether it’s that trip to Europe, or the possibility of a job offer in another city, big life changes remind both of you that you’re in this world together, as a team.

Connecting with your spouse through conversation is one of the most important things  you can do to ensure the longevity of your relationship. It’s easy to become complacent and keep silent about things that bother you, or even things that excite you. Take the time to share, and reap the rewards of a fulfilling partnership.